What to say (and not say) when someone tells you they have cancer

DO

HELPFUL PHRASES

• Listen actively without judgement
• Be present, keep eye contact and provide your full attention
• Notice cues from the person, and respond to these
• Acknowledge what has been said
• Offer specific practical support such as cooking meals or transport to an appointment
• Ask permission to raise sensitive topics
• Don’t make assumptions
• If appropriate refer them to Cancer Council’s 13 11 20 information and support services

• I care for you and I’m here for you
• If you feel like talking I’m here to listen
• Many people in a situation like yours would have that reaction
• It seems reasonable to me to be feeling sad
• I can hear it has been really hard for you to share, thank you for sharing
• You’ve been going through a really tough time
• I’m always here if you’d like to talk. I also know Cancer Council has cancer nurses you could speak to. Could I give you their number?

DON’T

UNHELPFUL PHRASES

• Appear too positive or make light of the situation
• Make comparisons with other cancer experiences by sharing stories of others
• Share the latest cancer research or treatments you’ve heard about - ask permission before making suggestions
• It’s ok to show your emotions, but don’t overwhelm or burden them with your feelings or grief
• Withdraw, avoid contact or stay away for fear of burdening them

• I know just how you feel
• I know just what you should do
• I know someone who had the same diagnosis
• Don’t worry
• I’m sure you’ll be fine
• You’re strong you can beat this
• How long do you have?