What to say (and not say) when someone tells you they have cancer

Supporting someone with cancer begins with active listening.

Learning how to listen involves concentrating on both verbal and non-verbal cues, without judgement and interrupting. Just as every cancer experience is different, everyone reacts differently to the experience.

Family, friends and workplaces all have an important role to play and can provide a comforting presence and offer practical support. Some people fear saying the wrong thing and upsetting people affected by cancer. However, cancer can be isolating and showing your support and keeping in touch is always better than staying away.

Our support services are avallable free to people affeced by cancer, thanks to public donations from generous Victorians.

 

Top Tips

DO

HELPFUL PHRASES

  • Listen actively without judgement
  • Be present, keep eye contact and provide your full attention
  • Notice cues from the person, and respond to these
  • Acknowledge what has been said
  • Offer specific practical support such as cooking meals or transport to an appointment
  • Ask permission to raise sensitive topics
  • Don’t make assumptions
  • If appropriate refer them to Cancer Council’s 13 11 20 information and support services
  • I care for you and I’m here for you
  • If you feel like talking I’m here to listen
  • Many people in a situation like yours would have that reaction
  • It seems reasonable to me to be feeling sad
  • I can hear it has been really hard for you to share, thank you for sharing
  • You’ve been going through a really tough time
  • I’m always here if you’d like to talk. I also know Cancer Council has cancer nurses you could speak to. Could I give you their number?

DON’T

UNHELPFUL PHRASES

  • Appear too positive or make light of the situation
  • Make comparisons with other cancer experiences by sharing stories of others
  • Share the latest cancer research or treatments you’ve heard about - ask permission before making suggestions
  • It’s ok to show your emotions, but don’t overwhelm or burden them with your feelings or grief
  • Withdraw, avoid contact or stay away for fear of burdening them

 

  • I know just how you feel
  • I know just what you should do
  • I know someone who had the same diagnosis
  • Don’t worry
  • I’m sure you’ll be fine
  • You’re strong you can beat this
  • How long do you have?

 

 

Other stories you may be interested in

Licensing scheme launches, compelling Victorian tobacco retailers and wholesalers to obey the law

Today we welcome an important milestone in tobacco control with the introduction of the Tobacco Business Licensing Scheme. Read more

Know your family history

Bendigo father of two, Tim, has been conscious of his health for a long time. Losing his father to bowel cancer when he was a child, and having his paternal grandfather, aunt and uncle diagnosed with the disease, he knew it was important to check his own bowel cancer risk. Read more

Quit, Cancer Council Victoria and VicHealth put industry in the spotlight this World No Tobacco Day

Cancer Council Victoria joins with Quit and VicHealth this World No Tobacco Day (May 31) to draw attention to the ongoing harmful tactics used by the tobacco and nicotine industries Read more

View all stories

Talking bubbles icon

Questions about cancer?

Call or email our experienced cancer nurses for information and support.

Contact a cancer nurse