This information has been reviewed by:
Dr Amanda Hordern, PhD, & Doreen Akkerman, AM
Planning for changes after treatment
It is very difficult to predict how cancer and its treatment will affect you. For many people there are changes that mean they need to develop new ways of giving and receiving pleasure. This may involve having an orgasm or simply being touched or caressed. Some of the changes are temporary; others may be longer lasting.
Cancer and its treatments can affect your:
These are linked. For example, if you lose your hair you may not feel as attractive. This means you may feel less confident or desirable when you are with your partner.
Remember, you should be able to develop or renew your sexuality, despite cancer and side effects from treatment.
Discussing your feelings, concerns and what you want with your partner can help your sex life. Not talking can lead to frustration and confusion.
Your relationship is undergoing change. It can take time for both of you to readjust.
There are many ways you can prepare for sex after or during cancer treatment.
Below are some suggested ways to start talking to your partner:
"I am going to show you the way I like to be touched and the places that are sore and out of bounds ..."
"There are some things I would like to try and do together that will help us feel close and connected, without 'going all the way'."
"I want to put 'going all the way' aside for a while until I get my confidence back. We can try some new things out to make us feel close."
It can be helpful to talk to close family or friends, or someone you trust, about your fears and concerns for your partner. Call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 to speak with a Cancer Nurse and to be linked with a carer from Carers' Cancer Connect. They can connect you to someone who has been in a similar situation to you.
Try to make time to spend with your partner doing things you enjoy doing together, such as seeing a movie or walking in the park, so that you are not focusing on the cancer all the time.
During cancer and its treatment, roles within the relationship may need to change. Try to talk openly about these changes and how you can readjust your life around them. Honest and open discussions are important so that you aren't trying to guess what your partner may be thinking.
Despite physical and emotional changes, your partner needs to know that you still love them and find them attractive. They may be concerned about losing you or being unable to satisfy you sexually. If they have changed physically, remind yourself of their other qualities, such as their sense of humour, intelligence or personality. These will help you see past the physical changes.
Be prepared to go at their pace. Give your partner time and space to recover.
Ask your partner to tell you or show you what feels good or what areas are sensitive to touch, as well as areas that are sore or painful.
You may be concerned that you could get cancer from your partner. It is not possible for cancer to be passed from person to person through kissing, intercourse or oral sex. Also, sex will not make the cancer grow or spread.
Take time to adjust.
