Survivors & relationships

Friday 29 January, 2010

Reviewed by: A/P Michael Jefford MBBS, MPH, MHlthsevMt, PhD, MRACMA, FRACP, Consultant Medical Oncologist, Peter Mac; Dr. Carrie Lethborg, MSW, PhD, St. Vincent's Hospital

On this page: When people who are close to you don't understand | Coping with your children's needs | Will my children inherit my cancer?

After your cancer treatment is over, the people around you are also likely to go through strong emotions.

What's happened to you might make them question things about their own life and future. Like you, their priorities may change: they may want to focus more on enjoying the important things in life, such as their family and friends. This can be very positive. Your relationships may be stronger and more loving because of it. But you may also find that some of their reactions upset and frustrate you.

‘While I was filled with confidence, [my parents] were filled with dread when I came out of it.' (Mark)

When people who are close to you don't understand

Many survivors say that people very close to them don't really understand how much help they still need. They might expect you to be back to ‘normal' much faster than you feel you can be. It can be hard to let them know this. Cancer survivors often feel guilty about what their family and friends have been through because of the illness. But don't let this override your needs. Family and close friends may not be realistic about how you feel. Your recovery may take a lot longer than your treatment did. This may come as a shock to both you and your family. Everyone wants things to be easier: less stressful and more enjoyable. But this isn't always possible, and this can be disappointing.

For life to move forward, it is important that everyone finds a way to cope. As you build your ‘new' life with those close to you, things are likely to become easier. This can take time and patience but many survivors say their new life has more meaning and is often more fulfilling.

‘There were some friends who I think backed off and I was disappointed ... some of my friendships that I thought I really valued didn't turn out to be like that ... It's not necessarily that they don't care, it's just that possibly they just don't know what to do or to say.' (Rosemary)

Let your family and friends know that you understand it's hard for them as well. Tell them how much you value all they've already done to help you. But you still need their support.

Most people want to help all they can but sometimes they just don't know the best way to do this. They might think that ignoring what's happened and trying to move on as quickly as possible is the best thing for everyone. You might need to point out that you still feel very tired or scared. You can't just ‘get on with it' and move on as quickly as they might want you to. If you can work together and share your worries then it will be easier for everyone.

Coping with your children's needs

If you have children, you may not want to let them know that you still don't feel great, even though your cancer treatment is over. They may not have seen much of you during treatment. They may have had fears that you may die during your treatment. For some children these issues may have been very hard and they'll be excited about having you ‘back in their life'.

Depending on their age there will be different needs and issues to deal with. But whatever their age, be as open and as honest as possible. This will make them feel safe. Most kids will understand that you still need some time to get over your treatment.

Try to involve them in your recovery. With younger children, if you're feeling too tired to play with them, suggest that they lie next to you and read a book while you take a nap. Or curl up together and chat about things that you like to do together. This isn't so easy with the under-fours, but maybe a friend or relative could come over and help you play with them. Two pairs of hands can make it less tiring! With older children you may be able to ask them to help you cook, clean and shop, or read to you while you lie down.

Involving your children, where you can, not only makes them feel that you want and need them near you, but also allows them to spend more time with you. This is all most kids want-to be close to their parents. Pushing them away or trying to hide your feelings and needs only confuses them and makes them feel lost and lonely. Kids can sometimes be the ‘best medicine'. They can make you laugh and give you reasons to want to cope.

Will my children inherit my cancer?

This can cause a great deal of concern for many cancer survivors. One in three Australians will develop cancer in their lifetime. It is therefore not uncommon for several members of the same family to develop cancer, though in most cases the cancers will be unrelated. However, for a small number of individuals, their family history suggests they may have a faulty gene, which means their chance of developing cancer is much higher than the average population. If you are worried that your cancer may be inherited, speak with your doctor. They can advise you about genetics and risk and whether or not your children need regular screening.  They will also be able to refer you for genetic counselling and testing.

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