By Annie Angle, cancer nurse, Dip. Oncology Nursing, Royal Marsden, London
Reviewed by Dr Michael Jefford, MBBS, MPH, MHlthsevMt, PhD, MRACMA, FRACP
Consultant Medical Oncologist, Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre
Coping with your children's needs
Will my children inherit my cancer?
After your cancer treatment is over, the people around you are also likely to go through some strong emotions.
What has happened to you might make them question things about their own life and future. Like you, their priorities may change: they may want to focus more on enjoying the important things in life, such as their family and friends. This can be very positive. Your relationships may be stronger and more loving because of it. But you may also find that some of their reactions upset and frustrate you.
‘While I was filled with confidence, [my parents] were filled with dread when I came out of it.'
(Mark)
Many survivors say that those very close to them don't really understand how much help they still need. They might expect you to be back to ‘normal' much faster than you feel you can be. It can be very difficult to let them know this. It isn't uncommon to feel guilty about all you have already put them through. But don't let this override your true needs right now. Family and close friends may have very unrealistic expectations of you. Your recovery may take a lot longer than your actual treatment did. This may come as a shock to both you and your family. It isn't unusual for everyone to want things to be easier now: less stressful and more enjoyable. But this isn't always possible and can cause a lot of disappointment for everyone.
For life to move forward it is very important that everyone finds a way to cope with this. As you build your ‘new' life with those close to you, things are likely to become easier. This can take time and patience but many survivors say their new life has more meaning and is often more fulfilling.
‘There were some friends who I think backed off and I was disappointed ... some of my friendships that I thought I really valued didn't turn out to be like that ... It's not necessarily that they don't care, it's just that possibly they just don't know what to do or to say.'
(Rosemary)
Let your family and friends know that you understand it is hard for them as well. Tell them how much you appreciate all they have already done to help you. But you still need their support.
Most people want to help all they can but sometimes they just don't know the best way to do this. They might think that ignoring what has happened and trying to move on as quickly as possible is the best thing for everyone. You might need to point out that you still feel very tired, vulnerable or scared. You can't just ‘get on with it' and move on as quickly as they might want you to. If you can work together and share your worries then it will be easier for everyone.
If you have children, you may not want to let them know that you still don't feel great, even though your treatment is over. They may not have seen much of you during treatment. They may have had fears that you may die during your treatment. For some children these issues may have been very hard and they will be excited about having you ‘back in their life'.
Depending on their age there will be different needs and issues to deal with. But whatever their age, be as open and as honest as possible. This will make them feel safe. Most kids will understand that you still need some time to get over your treatment.
Where possible try to involve them in your recovery. With younger children, if you are feeling too tired to play with them, suggest that they lie next to you and read a book while you take a nap. Or curl up together and chat about things that you like to do together. This isn't so easy with the under-fours, but maybe a friend or relative could come over and help you play with them. Two pairs of hands can make it less tiring! With older children you may be able to ask them to help you cook, clean and shop, or read to you while you lie down.
Involving your children, where you can, not only makes them feel that you want and need them near you, but also allows them to spend more time with you. This is all most kids want-to be as close to their parents as possible. Pushing them away or trying to hide your feelings and needs only confuses them and makes them feel lost and lonely. Kids can be the ‘best medicine' in many situations. They can make you laugh and give you reasons to want to cope.
This can cause a great deal of concern for many cancer survivors. It may reassure you to know that most cancers happen by chance. Passing your genes on to your children doesn't mean that they will get cancer. Less than five out of every 100 cancers (5%) are inherited. And the older you are when you are diagnosed, the less likely it is that your genes will play a part in your cancer. If you are at all worried that your cancer may be inherited, speak with your doctor. They can advise you about any risk and whether or not your children need regular screening. If necessary, they will also be able to refer you for genetic counselling and testing.
