Grief is not just sadness. It can affect your emotions, thoughts, physical wellbeing, behaviour, beliefs and relationships. All these effects can make grief seem overwhelming at times. The tips in this section may be useful as you come to terms with different aspects of your loss.

“I knew he was going to die, but nothing prepared me for the depth of my sadness when he did. Even though I was surrounded by family, I felt so very alone.” – Vanessa

Emotions

You may feel a range of strong emotions:

• sadness
• anger
• relief
• guilt
• anxiety.

Sometimes people are overwhelmed by the strength of their feelings or find that their mood changes quickly and often. These are common ways of coping with loss. How your body responds to grief can also affect your emotions.

Try to use the coping strategies that have worked for you in the past. Remembering how you have coped with other difficult situations may help you feel more able to cope now with your emotions. Or you may find that your usual ways of coping are not helpful with your current loss, and you need to find other coping strategies. Explaining how you are feeling to family and friends can help them understand what you’re going through.

People who tend to adjust well to difficult or challenging situations (resilience) often find that they show this quality after a loss. This doesn’t mean they are not grieving, but that they already have coping strategies.

Common emotions

Shock and numbness

Sadness

Depression and despair

Anger

Relief

Guilt and regret

Fear and anxiety

Tips for coping with how you feel

• Accept that your feelings are normal and natural given the loss. You might sense pressure from yourself or others to feel a certain way but everyone has their own style of coping.
• Be patient with grief. You may feel that after a certain time you should be coping better but your adjustment to the loss is likely to be gradual and may take longer than you and others expect. 
• If you feel angry, find safe ways to show your anger – do some exercise, scream or shout, write, paint or draw.
• Try to make movement a part of your daily routine. Regular physical activity can help with feelings of anger, stress, anxiety and depression.
• Try reflecting on your caring role – you may feel you are stronger than you realised and proud of how you have supported someone as they were dying. Even the small things you did showed how much you cared.
• Forgive yourself for the things you didn’t say or do.
• Be kind to yourself for any wrongs you feel you did to the person who died. People often feel that they should not have become frustrated or “snapped” that one time when they were tired. Understand that becoming tired and short is fairly common when caring for someone.
• Take your mind off your grief for a little while – read a book, write in a journal, start a new project, play a game online, or watch a movie with a friend or on your own.
•  Try complementary therapies, such as meditation, music or art therapy, to help you manage your feelings.

Thoughts

Grief often makes thinking clearly, focusing and concentrating difficult. Even simple tasks can seem hard. You may feel very indecisive, or you may make impulsive decisions. Some people may even wonder if they are losing their mind.

Be kind to yourself. How you are feeling is understandable given that you have experienced the death of someone important to you.

If you are feeling confused and forgetful, it may be helpful to write things down.

Tips for managing jumbled thoughts

• Try not to make any significant changes or decisions until you can think more clearly. People may hurry you to sort out clothes and personal items or decide where you will live long term. Don’t be rushed – you are already having to adjust to a huge change.
• Use a diary or online calendar or app to keep track of appointments or set reminders on your phone.
• Use apps like Gather My Crew to coordinate offers of help from family or friends.
• Ask others to help you sort out paperwork or, if you have school-age children, keep up with school activities. 
• If you are working, talk to your employer about how much time off you need, changing your hours or tasks temporarily, or ensuring that your job will be there for you.
• Keep a journal. Putting your thoughts on paper can help you process the experience.

Physical symptoms

Grief is experienced in your body too. The shock of the loss, even if you were expecting it, can trigger the release of adrenaline and other chemicals in your body. This can make you feel anxious or make it hard to switch off worrying thoughts. Other physical responses to grief include exhaustion, fatigue, headaches, nausea, unexplained aches and pains, changes to appetite, and a tight feeling in the chest and stomach.

Grief can also affect your immune system making you more likely to catch colds or other infections.

The physical effects of grief on your body can affect your ability to manage your emotions and think clearly. Talk to your doctor about any physical issues that are worrying you or making it harder to cope.

Common physical symptoms

Difficulty sleeping

Feeling exhausted

Changed appetite

Tips for coping with physical symptoms

• Get some exercise every day. A walk in the morning can shift your mood, clear your head, give you more energy and make it easier to sleep. You might also like to try swimming, a team sport, yoga, dancing or a new activity. Even doing housework such as vacuuming or mowing the lawn can help if you’re feeling tense.
• Go to bed and get up at the same time every day.
• If you're unable to fall asleep, get up and do something relaxing – such as reading a book or listening to music or a podcast – until you feel sleepy. Practise slow, deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation exercises while in bed: this will slow down the mind and allow the body to relax.
• Check with your doctor before trying sleeping tablets or natural sleep remedies
• Get in touch with a support service if you need to talk to someone. Talk to your doctor about seeing a counsellor, social worker or psychologist.
• Limit caffeine, alcohol and electronic devices as they can affect sleep.
• Encourage yourself to eat a healthy, balanced diet. If you have lost your appetite and are barely eating, try to snack frequently on nourishing, easily digested foods.
• Avoid eating unhealthy foods or large amounts for comfort. A poor diet can affect your mood.
• Explore other ways to help yourself feel better, such as getting fresh air and exercise in a park, listening to music or having a bath or massage.
• Try meditation or relaxation to help with the anxiety. There are many recordings, videos and smartphone apps to guide you through different exercises. Listen to our Finding Calm During Cancer podcast.

Behaviours

You may behave differently while you are grieving. Some people make themselves extremely busy, while others may sleep a lot or find it hard to complete even simple tasks. Many people avoid reminders of the person who died because of the intense emotions. These different behaviours are normal but can make it difficult to settle into a routine.

Some people smoke, drink alcohol or use other non-prescribed drugs. While these behaviours may give short-term relief, they often only delay the experience of grief and can lead to more serious problems. If you or others are concerned about your use of alcohol or other drugs, ask your GP for help and support.

Tips for establishing helpful behaviours

• Try to live day-to-day rather than looking too far ahead or backwards.
• Balance rest and activity. Set small goals and congratulate yourself when you achieve them.
• Have an alternative plan ready in case you're not up to a planned activity.
• Go easy on yourself. You may need to relax your usual routines or standards while you are grieving.
• Keep a daily routine that includes the time you get up, get dressed, eat meals and go to bed. This can help you maintain healthy habits and self esteem.
• Have something to look forward to, such as buying a bunch of flowers, having a massage, listening to music, getting a haircut, enjoying a live performance or visiting a coffee shop.
• Schedule days now and again without any plans or goals to give yourself a chance to recharge.

Spiritual beliefs and faith

Your beliefs may be challenged as you question the meaning of the loss and what happens to us after we die. Some people find comfort and strength in their spiritual beliefs and in connecting with other members of their faith. Other people feel abandoned or betrayed at a time of great need. If your faith has been important to you, this can be one of the most unsettling aspects of grief.

You may find that your search for answers leads to spiritual growth. Whatever your beliefs, it can be helpful to explore questions about life and death with someone you trust,  such as a spiritual care practitioner, family member, friend or counsellor.

Tips for exploring the spiritual impact

• Find ways to connect with what spirituality means to you (e.g. praying; visiting a place of worship; going for a walk in nature; meditating; listening to music). This connection may give you a different perspective on life and a larger way of seeing your situation.
• Talk about your feelings with a spiritual care practitioner, who will usually be on the palliative care team. You can also ask the hospital social worker if there is someone you can talk to. Accept that having doubts or concerns may be part of a process leading to a stronger sense of your own spirituality.
• If it feels right to you, follow the mourning customs of your religion or culture. Some people like the structure these customs provide for their grief.
• Create your own rituals such as visiting a place where you feel close to the person who died, lighting a candle or creating a playlist.

Relationships

Grief affects how you interact with the world, your identity and the roles you have within your family or social circle. You may find that your friendships and family relationships change.

Common feelings

A sense of presence

Loneliness

Abandonment

Conflict

Tips for staying connected with others

• Know that you are not alone. Loss is part of being human. Find someone you can talk to who will listen and be understanding, or ask your GP or palliative care service about bereavement counselling.
• Find ways to stay connected to people who have died.
• Read other people’s accounts of grief. Find stories online, through bereavement support groups or resources at your local library.
• Join a support or grief group – either in person or online. Call Cancer Council 13 11 20 to find a support group.
• Share your thoughts about the dying process with the people who were there with you.
• Ask others for assistance – it will make them feel valued and useful.
• Re-enter your social circle slowly. At first, mix with people you feel comfortable with and who understand you well. Even if you are just sitting and listening, you are connecting to others.
• Consider who can meet your different needs. Some people might be good at providing practical help, while others are better at providing emotional support.
• When you feel ready, join a social group or take up a new activity. Recognise that the first time you return to an activity, such as going to the shops, club, school or work, is likely to be the hardest. It tends to get easier with time, but asking someone to come along with you can make the initial steps feel less daunting.
• Be gentle and forgiving with others and yourself. Grieving family members and friends may seem angry or irrational. Try not to take it personally. Keep in mind that you are vulnerable too and have the right to protect yourself. Let someone else support them for a time.