Taking on a caring role often changes relationships, which can be challenging and hard to adjust to. The impact of cancer on a relationship often depends on what your relationship was like before the diagnosis.
You may find caring for someone strengthens your relationship with them. For others, particularly those who had a strained relationship before the diagnosis, the pressure of cancer and treatment, financial worries and the demands of caring can add further tension. In this case, you may find it best to share the caring role with other people.
It can be helpful to understand the potential changes that cancer can bring. Being open and honest can help you and the person you are caring for through the anxieties, sadness and uncertainty.
Ways to manage changes to relationships
- Talk about the changes to avoid misunderstandings. Discuss ways to meet each other’s needs.
- Allow time to get used to the changes, particularly if roles have reversed.
- Set boundaries to maintain independence and allow both of you to feel in control.
- Arrange home help if you or the person you are caring for feel uncomfortable doing the bathing and dressing.
- Give the person you’re caring for the chance to do things for themselves.
- Use touch to show you care.
- If you and the person you’re caring for find it difficult to discuss your different needs without both becoming defensive, consider seeing a counsellor or psychologist. They can suggest ways to approach such conversations.
Support for LGBTQI+ carers
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans/transgender, intersex, queer and other sexuality, gender, and bodily diverse people may face specific challenges as carers. You may worry about health professionals or the person’s family or friends accepting you, or wonder if the support services you access are LGBTQI+ friendly.
Contact the national counselling and referral service for LGBTQI+ people at QLife, or the National LGBTQI+ Health Alliance for further information and support.
Find support services
Changes in sexuality and intimacy
If you are caring for a partner, you may find the cancer and its treatment affects your sexual relationship. For example:
- Tiredness can make people lose interest in sex during and after treatment. This is called a lowered libido.
- Cancer treatments, medicines and pain can also reduce libido and may affect someone’s physical ability to have sex.
- A person’s body image may change during and after treatment, making them feel self-conscious and embarrassed.
- The emotional strain of cancer or caring may preoccupy you and cause you to lose interest in sex.
- Many people worry that physical intimacy might be painful.
- You might find it hard to switch from being carer and patient back to being sexual partners.
- You might feel guilty if your partner is unable or unwilling to be sexually active and you still want a sexual relationship.
Ways to manage sexual changes
- Talk about how you’re feeling – communication is an important sexual tool.
- Spend time together to maintain intimacy in your relationship.
- Tell your partner you care. Your partner may need reassurance that you love them and find them attractive despite the changes from their illness or treatment.
- Have your partner show you any body changes before sexual activity. This may allow both of you to get used to how the differences make you feel.
- Discuss any concerns you have about being intimate with your partner. If you keep quiet and withdraw, your partner may misinterpret your actions and think they’re no longer desirable. Being open about your sexual needs can help you identify ways to manage them.
- Keep an open mind about ways to give and receive sexual pleasure. Some people find lubricants or sexual aids help. For a while, you may need to focus on kissing and cuddling.
- Take things slowly and spend time getting used to being naked together again.
- Be patient. You may find that any awkwardness will improve with time and practice.
- Talk to a counsellor who specialises in helping couples with intimacy and sexual issues. The occupational therapist on your treatment team can suggest practical strategies for positioning and fatigue management.
- Listen to our 'Sex and Cancer' podcast episode.
Caring for Someone with Cancer
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Expert content reviewers:
Dr Laura Kirsten, Principal Clinical Psychologist, Nepean Cancer Care Centre, NSW; Mary Bairstow, Senior Social Worker, Cancer Centre, Fiona Stanley Hospital, WA; Anne Booms, Nurse Practitioner – Supportive and Palliative Care, Icon Cancer Centre Midland, WA; Dr Erica Cameron-Taylor, Staff Specialist, Department of Palliative Care, Mercy Hospice, Calvary Mater Newcastle, NSW; Tracey Gardner, Senior Psychologist, Cancer Counselling Service, Cancer Council Queensland; Louise Good, Cancer Nurse Consultant, WA; Verity Jausnik, Senior Policy Officer, Carers Australia; David Larkin, Cancer Supportive Care Manager, Canberra Region Cancer Centre, Canberra Hospital and Health Service, ACT; Kate Martin, Consumer; John McMath, Consumer; Simone Noelker, Physiotherapist and Wellness Centre Coordinator, Ballarat Regional Integrated Cancer Centre, VIC; Tara Redemski, Senior Physiotherapist – Cancer Care, Gold Coast University Hospital, QLD; Dean Rowe, Consumer; Chris Sibthorpe, 13 11 20 Consultant, Cancer Council Queensland.
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The information on this webpage was adapted from Caring for Someone with Cancer - A guide for family and friends who provide care and support (2020 edition). This webpage was last updated in November 2021.