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When friends don't call
Many people find it difficult to know how to respond to cancer, and you may find that people react in unexpected ways.
Some people will offer you their support and friendship and be at ease with you, while others may be unable to handle your illness and may keep away altogether. Often it may seem as though you are the one who has to be strong and help others to cope with your cancer.
'I have three really good friends with whom I can talk about my cancer. I have talked with my sister about dying, and she does understand a lot more than I thought a person without cancer could.'
Sometimes it is difficult to deal with people who ask questions or comment about things that you are sensitive or unsure about. For example, they may ask about how you look or what it feels like to have cancer or treatment. Avoiding the issue altogether usually makes things harder as it may prolong people's curiosity or difficulty.
There may, however, be a few people with whom you can truly relax, talk openly, laugh, cry, or simply be silent. Often these are the people that you are normally close to and open with.
Friends who avoid you when you have cancer can cause you a great deal of hurt and sorrow. It is important to realise, however, that their reaction has nothing to do with you personally. There are a variety of reasons why people keep away. Some people are frightened and threatened by cancer, and cannot face their own fears of illness and death.
‘Some people make themselves scarce if cancer is mentioned. But people with cancer soon learn who they can talk to, who their trusted friends are.'
Others might keep away because they do not know what to say to you. People often think it is safer to say nothing than risk saying the wrong thing. They may also be afraid of their emotional response to your cancer. Their absence does not necessarily mean they no longer care about you. If you value contact with these friends and wish to see them, you may need to make the first move. The longer the silence, the harder it is for either person to break it. A quick telephone call will show that you want to keep in contact, and often, though not always, this will dissolve the barrier.
It is easier to withdraw from your usual social circle if you are feeling unwell or worrying that things will be difficult or challenging. You may need to weigh things up and decide what's best for you. If you can keep in contact with your friends it will help them.
Many people may be looking for the ‘right' things to say to you, and they may say things which sound inane, insincere or hurtful. If you can be open about your cancer and bring up the topic in a relaxed manner, they may relax too.
A woman who had extensive surgery for cancer of the mouth explained how she tried to make things easier for both herself and others. She focused on her disability rather than its cause.
‘I am determined to put people at ease, so when I speak on the telephone, or to someone for the first time, I start by saying, "I have a speech defect, so please tell me if you don't understand me". I also carry a pencil and paper and offer to write down what can't be understood. I find it much more frustrating to have people try to save my feelings by pretending to understand me when they don't.'
Friends often want to help, but are very uncertain about what to do.
Friends may be waiting for some clue from you. They might not be sure whether you want company. They might call to ‘see how things are going', then add as they hang up, ‘Let me know if there's anything I can do to help'. These friends are asking for more than a job to do. They are offering you their friendship and support, but they need some guidance on how to proceed. Often it seems that you are the one who has to be strong and help others to cope with your cancer. This can be very difficult when all your energy is channelled into keeping yourself going.
Nevertheless, you will do both yourself and your friend a favour if, when they offer to help, you can give them something specific to do. You might ask your friend, for instance, to make you a casserole, pick up the children, drive you to the hospital, mow the lawns, do some shopping, walk the dog, or simply come and sit with you.
Most people are grateful if there is something they can do to show their friendship. Their next visit might be easier, and then they may be able to visit without a ‘reason'.
Most people in the workforce who have treatment for cancer find that returning to work as soon as possible stops them feeling isolated and helps to get them back to normal again. If your illness has made it impossible to return to your old line of work, you might be able to do a rehabilitation or retraining program to prepare you for another occupation.
When you return to your job, some of your co-workers may behave differently towards you. Many will be unsure of what to say, or may try to protect your feelings or their own by saying nothing. Some might take the attitude, ‘If we pretend Jane never had cancer, it will go away'.
Some assume that if you look well and can function, you are all right. They might mumble something like, ‘Glad you're back; you look great', and never ask how you actually feel. You, in turn, might find you resent their good health and lack of concern. On the other hand, it might be a relief to find people who don't treat you as if you are ill.
It is often easier to get on with co-workers if you can be quite open about your cancer.
If you had to leave your old job because of your cancer, you might have trouble finding a new job even if you have completely recovered. Some employers think that people who have had cancer will take too many sick days, are a poor insurance risk, or will make co-workers uncomfortable.
If you experience discrimination in the workplace, you can get free initial advice from the Disability Discrimination Legal Service on 9689 8011 or 1300 882 872. This is a service that specialises in disability discrimination law.
