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| Living each day | Self-image and relationships | Coping within the family |
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Cancer is difficult for any family. It can create emotional strain, uncertainty, and practical and financial problems. The family can be a source of reassurance and support. Like other crises, cancer may bring the family closer together. Or it can strain relationships and add to existing problems within the family.
If you and your family are used to sharing your feelings with each other, you'll probably be able to talk about the illness and the changes it creates. This is not always easy. Each person has to deal with their own feelings while trying to be sensitive to those of the person with cancer.
Don't assume that people don't experience emotions just because they don't talk about it. Sometimes someone close to the person with cancer, particularly a partner, may feel so deeply that they are unable to express their feelings.
As the person with cancer, you may sometimes find yourself lashing out at others in anger and frustration, particularly in the days and weeks following diagnosis. Often it is the people closest to you who bear the brunt of these outbursts-who act as a ‘kicking board' as one person put it. Part of you doesn't want to hurt them, but another part might be angry that you have a life threatening disease and their lives will go on.
As family members, you may feel you should be patient and loving, but sometimes you may lash back. The possibility of losing someone you love and the burden of new responsibilities or your powerlessness may cause you to feel hurt and angry. It is much easier to deal with situations like this if people understand the reasons for your actions, and can talk about the feelings behind them.
Some people adopt a false cheeriness and rush in with assurances that ‘everything will be alright' without necessarily knowing if this is the case. Trying to bolster the person with cancer in this way may actually make it harder and cut off the person's attempts to express feelings. It may help family members and the person with cancer to know that you all share similar fears and anxieties about the future. Being open often allows you to enjoy more good days together, and gives you strength for more difficult times. Everyone needs breaks from dealing with cancer and time to do things for themselves, such as taking long walks, reading, or visiting friends.
Feeling hopeful is important when living with cancer, both for the person with the disease and for the family.
It is important to remember that while a diagnosis of cancer can be devastating, many people recover completely from cancer, and others have many good cancer-free months or years following treatment.
Different people will have different expectations and outlooks. Hope is part of the way that people deal with cancer. It is best if you can ask your doctor about your own outlook so that your hopes can be positive and realistic.
The family can help and support the person with cancer in many ways: from helping to find information about the cancer, its treatment and its impact, to protecting the person from questions or unwanted visitors.
Sometimes practical help with caring for children, cooking, providing a lift to an appointment, or just providing an extra set of ears at a clinic visit is what is needed. People with cancer sometimes need someone to simply stop and listen to them, to act as a sounding board - not to do anything. Others may not want to talk about their cancer but may still need support. Just letting the person with cancer know that you care for them, and are there and available to help when needed, is a great support.
The most important thing is to be guided by the person with cancer. What is needed or most helpful may vary from day to day, or week to week.
People with cancer commonly feel cut off from the rest of the world or isolated within their own family. It is normal to feel like you are floundering with your feelings and life. Some people deny the reality of cancer or refuse to discuss it. It is not uncommon to feel deserted and very isolated.
‘(If you're a family member or friend) Do not just say, "If you want me, I am available." Take the initiative to be there if you are needed for something.'
If you can't talk or share your concerns within the family, consider talking to someone outside. Professional counselling can provide support and an outlet for your frustrations. A counsellor may also help open up lines of communication within the family. Call the Cancer Council Helpline for more information.
When one member of a family becomes sick, others usually have to take on tasks and roles they are not used to. This can be exhausting, and it can affect normal family relationships. It can also leave carers with no time for rest and recreation, and no outlet for anxiety or resentment away from home.
People with cancer may have to hand over responsibilities for a while. It can be disheartening to feel that you are not being an effective parent or earning an income at the moment, or that you can't do the things you would normally take for granted. These changes can alter the way members of the family relate to each other. Parents, for instance, might look to children for emotional support at a time when the children need it most. Some children may react by becoming disruptive to cover up their anxiety and uncertainty, withdraw perhaps through fear of being hurt or become very clingy through anxiety that something might happen to you while they are not there.
If someone close to you has cancer, you may feel overwhelmed and useless. Knowing that you cannot do anything to change the course of the cancer may make you feel like you need to do something. Doing everything for the person with cancer does not always help. It has the potential to make them feel useless.
People with cancer still have the same needs and often the same capabilities as they did before. If possible they need their normal activities and responsibilities and their role within the family to continue.
It is important to discuss things with the person with cancer, as they will still need to make their own decisions about things such as treatment options, financial arrangements and the children.
Children whose mother or father has cancer can have their own problems. The parent may be away in hospital, or home in bed. They may look different after surgery or chemotherapy.
Children are often asked also to behave exceptionally well: to ‘play quietly', to do extra jobs around the house or to understand when others are tired or unhappy. They may resent the fact that they are not getting as much attention as usual, and may try to get attention by being noisy or disruptive. Some might be frightened that they will lose their parent, or may begin to imagine their own death. Some children become anxious about leaving home or parting from their parents.
It often helps if a favourite relative or family friend can give them extra time. Children need comfort and reassurance, affection, guidance and discipline. They need their routine to stay as regular as possible. Trips to the zoo, for example, are important, but so is regular help with homework and someone to attend the school play or the football match.
If things become difficult you may find professional counselling helpful. Situations can usually be managed more effectively if people involved can see and understand what is happening. Counselling can help to make things clearer and there are some excellent books regarding talking with children about a parent or a sibling with cancer. Call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 for details.
It can be difficult to juggle all your usual activities such as your job and looking after the house as well as looking after the person with cancer. It is important for the whole family to remain as healthy and in control as possible. It is most important that you look after your own health, for example, by eating properly and getting some regular time to yourself (even if you can only manage a short walk or a bath). Advice on diet and coordinating time and healthy cooking is available from a dietitian at the hospital or a local community health centre or you can telephone the Cancer Council Helpline.
Do not try to do everything, as this is often impossible. Set priorities so that the most important things get done and the less important things can slide. Sharing the household jobs among the family can help. It is also important for everyone in the family to have some time to themselves. It is possible to get professional help to sort out necessary tasks from those that can be left.
Accept offers of help from friends and relatives. It often makes people happy to know that they can do something for you.
If necessary, consider getting someone in to help with things such as childcare, home help, nursing help, etc. Various practical supports are available through community health centres, your local council and community organisations. The Cancer Council Helpline can provide information on these services. Your local church may be able to provide help or support with things like cooking, shopping, or lifts to the hospital. The social worker at your treating hospital can arrange access to financial assistance programs to help with travel expenses and accommodation for people living in rural areas who have to travel for treatment. They may also be able to link you in with other financial assistance programs or with volunteer transport assistance from the Red Cross.
Sometimes treatment can totally disrupt family life for a time, and it can be hard to get back to a normal routine. Keeping up your normal family activities is important in the long term as well as the short term.
