| Caring for someone | Being a carer | Your feelings & emotions |
| Practical issues for carers | Other people's reactions | Effects on relationships |
| Caring for yourself | What happens afterwards? | Help & support |
Taken from 
Caring for Someone with Cancer (793kb)
On this page:How can I cope with my emotions?
Carers report that they go through a range of conflicting emotions when they are caring for someone with cancer. Many have described their role as an ‘emotional roller coaster'. At times, some carers feel more distress than the person they are caring for. This is a normal reaction to the change in life associated with becoming a carer.
Some days you may feel very positive, loving and happy to be caring for the person. Other days you may feel resentful, fed up, angry and depressed by what you have to do, then feel very guilty for having those feelings. If you have already had someone close to you die from cancer, this could have a big impact on your day-to-day feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel, everyone is different. Whatever you are feeling, be reassured that it is perfectly natural to feel as you do.
The important thing is to know when to ask for help. You may need time to come to terms with your role as a carer. It is okay to let the person you are caring for know that even if sometimes you feel anxious and worried, you are still there to support them.
Caring brings up many different feelings. Sometimes you'll feel satisfied and positive. You then may go through other, more difficult emotions, some of which are interlinked. They won't happen in any particular order and you may not experience all of them.
Caring for someone can be very positive. It can be very satisfying to know that you are making a difference for someone during such a difficult time in their life. You may feel surprised and pleased with the way you have handled the situation and the new skills you have acquired as a carer. Serious illness often brings people closer together. It can make you reassess your life and priorities. You may share things that you wouldn't normally have felt able to or do things together that you had been putting off. Some carers say they have been surprised by their personal strength and growth. You may become more aware and thankful for all the good times you have shared and make it a priority to enjoy more happy times together.
‘It was a great honour to care for my mother. There were days I felt despair but then sometimes I would feel so thankful and happy to be able to do this for Mum. She had worked so hard all her life for us kids - I now wanted to give something back when she most needed us.' - Geoff, age 33
Being a carer can be extremely lonely at times. Even if there are a lot of other people around offering help, you may still feel as though nobody else truly understands what you are going through. Unless they have been a carer themselves, they probably don't. This can be very isolating.
Good friends may not be there as much as you would like them to be. Other family members may not be helping as much as you thought they would. You may feel overwhelmed with your responsibilities and not feel there is anyone you can turn to for support. You may be concerned that people are tired of hearing you talk about what is happening or that they expect you to be positive or strong.
If you shared a lot of leisure time with the person you are caring for, you may miss these times. You may feel at a loss now that your role within the relationship has changed. The time taken up being a carer may mean that you have less time to spend with other friends and family.
It may help to join a local support group or contact Cancer Connect. Cancer Connect is a telephone peer support service that puts people in touch with others who have had a similar cancer experience, including family members of people with cancer. Call 13 11 20 for more information.
Although not for everyone, many carers say that being part of a support group is a ‘sanity saver'. The other carers can offer friendship, fun and advocacy in a way that other close friends and family are unable to do. See the section ‘Help and support'.
We feel frustration when we perceive an obstacle blocking satisfaction of a need or goal. Typically, we feel anxiety as well. Your frustration may be related to many things: lack of time to do your own thing, not being able to change the situation for the person with cancer, or feeling you can never please them. Wanting to do more than your time allows or you are physically able to can cause frustration. Although it's a very normal feeling for carers, frustration can make you feel anxious, upset or even angry at times.
‘When you talk about being a carer, frustration should be written in capital letters as every part of my life and the family's has gone into a "holding pattern." ' - Nick, age 38
Watching someone go through cancer and its treatment can be frightening. Fear can be one of the hardest emotions to deal with. You may be fearful that the sick person won't get better or of the side effects that may occur from their treatment. You may be frightened of the future, that you are not going to support them in the right way or that you won't cope with the situation. The person with cancer may have their own fears, which may make it difficult to talk to them and share experiences. Fear can make you feel that you have no control over the situation.
Most people find a way of coping with their fears.
Sometimes when someone is under a lot of stress they can become so fearful or anxious that they have what is called a ‘panic attack'. This can include physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, breathlessness and sweating. During a panic attack, some people even fear that they will die. You may feel afraid to leave home in case you have an attack. You may feel you are experiencing similar symptoms to those of the person you are caring for. Panic attacks can come on very suddenly and can be extremely frightening but are generally not dangerous. As hard as it will be at the time, the best thing you can do is to try to talk yourself out of a panic attack. Keep telling yourself that you are safe, nothing bad is going to happen and in time you will feel calm again. Remember to slow your breathing down and use any relaxation techniques that you know may help. If possible, let someone know that you are feeling this way so that they can stay with you and support you.
If you have concerns that your anxiety is affecting your quality of life or if you are having regular panic attacks see your GP for support and advice.
Looking after someone with cancer will be different for everyone. However, it is likely to bring a lot of stress into your life as you both try to deal with the demands of the treatment and its side effects or other changes the illness brings. Feeling tired, upset, angry or anxious can only add to your stress. You may not think that you are stressed but others may see it clearly.
If you think you are stressed it can help to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Take some time out and try to relax. Some people benefit from doing some strenuous physical exercise while others prefer to take a gentler approach and do some deep breathing and meditation.
Feeling down and sad is very normal when you are caring for someone with cancer. You may feel sad about what the person has to cope with or what they have had to give up because of their diagnosis. If you are partners then you may also feel sad about not being able to enjoy things together as you used to. Feeling down can also be due to lack of sleep, not eating properly and stress - all of which you may have to deal with as a carer. These down times usually only last a few days and then you gather strength to keep going with the routine of your role.
For some people though, the sadness may not go away. You may begin to feel down all the time and not able to pull yourself out of it. If this is the case then you may be suffering from depression. Other symptoms of depression can include changes in your appetite or weight, sleeping problems and feelings of hopelessness.
Depression is very different from sadness. Depression is an illness that may need treatment with counselling or medication. If you think you might be depressed talk to your GP. The Beyondblue website has a ‘depression checklist' that you may find helpful.
Many carers say they feel guilty. You may feel guilty for not doing enough for the sick person or for feeling resentful, angry or lonely in your situation. Knowing you are well and the person you are caring for is ill can also cause feelings of guilt.
It can be difficult to get rid of these feelings but try not to beat yourself up. Perfection is impossible and it is likely that you are being a very supportive and thoughtful carer. It may help to talk with the person you are caring for about how you feel. If you think this might cause conflict, speak to a close friend or relative. Professional counselling may also be an option. Call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 for more information or to ask to speak to a Family Cancer Connect volunteer.
‘I found it very difficult to cope with the fact that my health was so good. I used to feel so guilty every time Ben had chemotherapy and felt so sick afterwards. I used to wish so much that it was me that had the cancer and not him.' - Belinda, age 55, mother of Ben, age 25
Most of the time, you may be happy in your role as a carer. But there may be other times when you feel angry about what you have to do or how the person with cancer treats you. You may feel that they don't appreciate everything that you are doing, or that they are only thinking about themselves. Carers often say that they feel angry about their circumstance and what they are giving up to be a carer. They no longer have much freedom, time or energy to enjoy life the way they once did.
‘One day I felt so angry I threw my hairbrush at the bathroom wall. I wish someone had come along and said to me that it is okay to be angry and it was okay to let that anger out, without harming anyone, sometimes.'
- Bev, age 66
Dealing with anger may not be easy and could make you feel guilty. But the following tips may help:
It is very normal for carers to sometimes feel resentful. This may be towards the person you are caring for. They are taking up time that you could be using to do things you enjoy. You may feel other family members, friends or even medical staff could be doing more to ease your burden. People may stop asking about you and only ask about the person you are caring for. People you once thought were friends may even have stopped visiting or being in contact. You may begin to resent this and wish that someone would ask how you are feeling. Loving someone doesn't always protect you from resentment.
‘I just wish once, someone would ask how I am before asking about Mum's cancer.' - Erin, age 19
If your relationship with the person you are caring for was ‘rocky' or had ended before they became ill, you may now be struggling with feelings of resentment for having to care for them.
‘I feel so upset and resentful about being their carer as we had been separated for years before the cancer.'
- Chris, age 46
Don't feel bad about feeling resentful. This doesn't mean that you care any less or are a bad person. You have had a lot to deal with and may have given up a lot to become a carer.
‘Jack was improving and I was proud to be part of that but I also had feelings of "What about me?"' - Mary, age 44
If things become too hard and you are finding that you feel resentful all the time, you may consider other options for care for the person with cancer. It is okay to think like this. Sometimes you have to make a decision that is right for you.
There may be times when you feel that there is nothing you can do to help. You can't take away the cancer or the pain. All you can do is be there. Many carers say this makes them feel helpless. But feel reassured that just by being there you are doing a lot and it is greatly appreciated. Even health professionals caring for someone with cancer, especially when it is in the advanced stages, sometimes feel at a loss to know how to best support them.
Many people only associate loss and grief with dying. However, grieving and feelings of loss can also happen when someone receives a diagnosis of cancer.
Many changes and losses occur with cancer. You may be grieving for how your life was before you became a carer. You may feel that you have lost the enjoyable part of your relationship with the person you are caring for. You may be missing work, people, regular exercise or an active and fun social life. Perhaps you are grieving over the loss of dreams and friendships. Certain family and friends may be staying away because they are not sure how to deal with illness. You may be dealing with an uncertain future and financial changes.
It can take time to adjust to the changes and challenges you are now facing, so be kind to yourself. If you feel you would like to talk to someone about your feelings contact the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20.
‘So much has changed in our lives from the cancer which others can't see, unlike a death there are no funerals for the death of our dreams.' - Brian, age 47
We are all unique and have our own ways of coping during good and bad times. However, nearly all carers say they have times when they are not just ‘fed up' but really don't think they can deal with the situation any longer. They have had enough! While not magical solutions, the following may help you ‘hang in there' and feel more in control.
