What happens afterwards?

Friday 1 August, 2008

On this page: When caring doesn't work out ι When your role as a carer is no longer needed ι If the person you are caring for dies

Carers reach the end of their caring role at some point. Some people decide they can no longer be a carer and opt out. The person you are caring for may recover, which will affect both of your lives. Sometimes, the caring role ends when a person dies.

When caring doesn't work out

Sadly this can occasionally happen. Your role as a carer may become too difficult to cope with. Past problems in the relationship may now seem even more difficult to change.

Before making a decision about ceasing to care for someone, it may help to get some professional counselling either alone or with the person you are caring for. Over time there may be a way to work things out. If not, then you will still be able to get some advice on how to best make the move with the least amount of stress to you both. Ask your GP or call your local Cancer Council Helpline for information on how to get a referral to a counsellor.

When your role as a carer is no longer needed

There will come a time when you are not needed so much in your caring role. Hopefully, this means that the person you are caring for is getting better. Their treatment has worked and they are now trying to resume their ‘normal' life. This means you will need to return to an active and full life. For some people this can be very hard. The less you are needed to help, the more you may start to feel a bit lost and redundant.

The person you are caring for may gain a new independence and appear to have forgotten how much time and effort you gave. This can be hurtful but they are unlikely to be aware that you are feeling hurt. They may only see that the more they can do for themselves, the more it frees you up to do your own thing again.

You may think that you can slip back into your day-to-day life as it was before you became a carer. However, it isn't always this simple and many people say that you never get back to the ‘normal' daily living they had before. You find a new way of living, as does the person who had cancer. It is a ‘new normal'! You may have to return to work or resume other responsibilities that you had put on hold while you were in your caring role. It can feel a bit overwhelming.

Other people may think that all is okay now that the person has finished treatment: you must be so happy and excited about getting your life back. But it may not feel like this at all. You may feel you are still ‘on call' for the next setback. It can be very difficult to just pick up where you left off before you began your role as a carer.

‘After my carer role was over I saw my whole world through a different lens.' - Jenny, age 58

Give yourself time

It is important to give yourself time to adjust once the person you are caring for is getting back into their life again. Don't expect too much from yourself. Do things at your own pace and not at everyone else's. Everyone's situation will differ.

You may have moved from your own home to care for the person. Even though you may be pleased to have your own space back at first, it may feel strange and lonely to go back to your own home.

If you were caring for your partner you will both be facing new challenges as you create a different life together. You may be reluctant to share your feelings of uncertainty and loss with your partner. You may worry it will upset them or worry things will get worse again down the track. But you could be surprised about how much they are struggling to feel good about moving on. Chatting together can ease anxieties and help the transition into another way of life.

You may find it helps to read Life after Cancer - A Guide for Cancer Survivors. Although this booklet is written for the person who had cancer, the information will help many carers as well.

If the person you're caring for dies

Sadly for some people, the person you are caring for may have a cancer that is too advanced to cure. This is usually devastating for everyone involved. You may have been caring for the person for a very short time before they die. Others may have been in their caring role for some weeks, months or even years. No matter how long you have been caring for the person when they die, most people will feel a huge sense of loss and grief. You may also feel a sense of relief. Don't feel guilty about this. It is very natural to feel like this, especially when you may have watched them suffer for some time.

For some people, trying to adapt to life without the person you were caring for can be almost too much to cope with. Losing your partner, a child or good friend is devastating and will change your world. You may feel like you no longer fit into society or even want to. Everywhere you go, whoever you speak with, is a reminder of what you have lost and the things you have missed out on.

If it is your partner who has died, seeing other couples going out to dinner, talking about going on holiday or planning for the future will hurt. You are no longer seen as part of a ‘couple'. People may even refer to you as single. This can feel very strange and be extremely upsetting.

If you have lost a child, seeing other children enjoying their lives at the age your child would be now can be very painful.

If you would like more information and support, call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20.  

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