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| Practical issues for carers | Other people's reactions | Effects on relationships |
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Caring for Someone with Cancer (793kb)
On this page:Involving the person you are caring for in their care
Communicating with young children
Generally people will be very supportive of you in your role as a carer. But be prepared for mixed reactions towards the person with cancer and you as their carer. Some may have expectations of how you should be caring for the person with cancer. Even close friends may not react in a way you were expecting - some may even disappear!
Some friends and family members may find it difficult to accept that you can no longer give them the time and attention you once could. Others may give advice or negative comments on how you are doing things, which can be hurtful and discouraging. Others will make you feel at ease very quickly and reassure you that you are doing a great job. People you thought would be there to help and support may avoid you and those you did not think would help may surprise you by being very supportive.
You may also have to cope with people's reactions to the person with cancer, for example, to changes in the way they look, act or talk due to their cancer and its treatment. This can be very difficult for the person you are caring for and for you as well. Most people will not mean to upset you but if they do and you need to maintain contact with them, try to talk to them about it. Let them know why you are upset and how they could better support you. Also, there may be times when saying nothing is the best way to handle things! Don't feel you always have to explain - some things are very personal and only need to be discussed between you and the person you are caring for.
Communicating with the person you are caring for and others involved in their care is likely to be a large part of your role. There may be times when you feel reluctant to talk for fear of saying the wrong thing and upsetting yourself or the person you are caring for.
You may not be used to having to communicate with so many different people at once (family, friends, finance people and health care professionals). Ensuring that all the right people know what is going on can be very daunting and exhausting. The following focuses on how you can best communicate with the person you are caring for.
This may not be possible all the time but if you can create a calm and comfortable environment to talk, it will help. Pick a time when you both feel rested. Get rid of any background noise or potential interruptions (TV, radio, washing machine and mobile phones) and close doors to rooms where other people might be. It can also help to set aside a regular time each day for you to sit and chat. This doesn't mean that you have to have a deep and meaningful conversation each time, but it gives you both a time to touch base and discuss any concerns, despite everything else that has to be done.
As much as you may want to listen, it can sometimes be hard to do this well when you are under stress. There are things that you and others close to the person you are caring for can do to improve your listening skills.
Focus on the person you are caring for. Give them your full attention and let them see that you are really there and wanting to hear what they have to say. Face them and make eye-to-eye contact. In certain situations it may help to hold their hand. Try not to look at the time, fiddle with your clothing or tidy around the person when they are talking - it can be tempting to try getting two things done at once, but it won't help encourage the person you are caring for to talk about what's important. Don't change the subject, even if you have something you would rather talk about.
Don't interrupt - wait until they have finished talking and then speak. If they interrupt you, explain that you would like to finish what you have to say because it would be helpful for them to understand your feelings and thoughts.
Encourage the person to talk by nodding your head where necessary, or simply answering ‘Yes', ‘Okay', or ‘I see'. Use short sentences to prompt them to keep talking: ‘And then how did you feel?' or ‘What happened next?' Acknowledging that you have understood by repeating what they have said can make them feel that you are there with them and really listening. For example, say ‘Ah, I see, so you thought ...', ‘What you are saying is ...', or ‘That must have been very upsetting for you'.
Don't feel you have to fill silent gaps by talking. A few minutes' pause between speaking might be necessary to help them think what it is they really want to say. It isn't always necessary, but it may help during these times to sit closer, place a hand on their shoulder or give them a cuddle.
It is sometimes very natural to want to stop someone crying or getting angry. You may want to fix things and make people feel happy. But it isn't always the best or most helpful thing to do.
People affected by cancer have a lot to cope with. Feeling sad and upset is very understandable for both you and the person being cared for. They sometimes don't know how to express their feelings and may try to hold them in for fear of getting out of control if they let their guard down. If the person you are caring for gets very emotional when they are talking to you, just let them. Try not to say things like ‘Oh, don't worry, everything will be fine.' Stopping them expressing their true feelings might actually cause more harm than good. Saying things like ‘You are really feeling sad today' or ‘It's okay to feel angry, you have good reason to' can be far more supportive and caring than trying to pretend everything is fine. This also applies to how you are feeling and what people say to you.
It can be very tempting to try and do everything for the person you are caring for. Or you may think you are bothering them so you don't ask their opinion about how they might like something done. At times it may be difficult for the person with cancer to get involved in planning their daily routine or treatment and doctors' visits. They may feel unwell, tired or too emotional to do these things. However, it is important to ask them and involve them as much as you can. They need to feel that they are contributing to their care and not burdening you with everything.
How you react or respond to certain things can make a big difference to how the person you are caring for will feel and cope. Trying to understand what and how they feel can be difficult at times, but your empathy will go a long way to helping them feel more able to talk with you and express their true feelings.
You may not see yourself as a problem solver, but being a caregiver is likely to involve quite a few problems that need solving. Not all problems can be solved but with good communication many can. Be sure to ask the person with cancer their opinion. It is important for you both to understand the problem, talk about it, and then remain realistic but positive about solutions. This will help you both feel less anxious and more in control of the situation. You may need to be more assertive than you normally are when dealing with certain difficult problems.
Young children need to be kept informed about what is going on. What you tell them will depend on their relationship with the person you are caring for. A child's reaction to hearing that someone close to them has cancer will very much depend on their age and maturity. But for most children it can be difficult to adjust to someone in the family having cancer, especially if it is someone very close, like a parent or sibling. Having that person in hospital all the time or trying to cope with any changes to the way the person looks can be very hard for children. Such changes can be very frightening for children but if they are told calmly and sensitively what is going on it may lessen their fears.
Every child is different so it isn't always easy to know what to tell them or how they are going to react. The natural desire is to protect children from upsetting news. However, honesty is usually best. This doesn't mean you have to go into great detail about what is happening or might happen. But if you don't give some explanation, children usually pick up that something isn't right, whether it is from body language or hearing bits of conversations. By not telling them the truth you risk them thinking things may be worse than what they really are. They may be little and appear not to understand but they still feel and worry like all of us. Call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 for more information about how to talk to children about cancer, or to speak to a Family Cancer Connect volunteer.
