| Caring for someone | Being a carer | Your feelings & emotions |
| Practical issues for carers | Other people's reactions | Effects on relationships |
| Caring for yourself | What happens afterwards? | Help & support |
Taken from 
Caring for Someone with Cancer (793kb)
On this page:Leaning on close family and friends
Finding support outside close friends and family
Allowing for bad days and looking for the good
Feeling like you are being taken for granted
Reports have shown that as many as 8 out of 10 people (80%) caring for someone with cancer don't get the help they need. Many carers struggle emotionally, physically and financially. Some carers do not have anyone to talk to about their feelings and needs. Often carers don't ask for help or think their needs are not as important as the person with cancer.
Caring for yourself is extremely important. It's something most of us are aware of but find hard to do. You may not think you have time with everything else that is going on in your role as a carer. Many carers feel guilty about taking time out for themselves but if you can, both you and the person being cared for will benefit. It will go a long way to helping you last the distance and avoid resentment, exhaustion, anger and depression.
‘A nurse sat down beside me at the hospital and said, "And how are you feeling Chrissy?" I said, "Oh, it's not me that has cancer, it is my husband." "Yes, I know that," she said. "So how are you feeling?" I suddenly realised that I never really thought about myself, it was Jim that was sick. But it was nice to be asked.' - Chrissy, age 75
Caring for yourself is one of the most important things that you can do, but many carers say they find this difficult. Here are some suggestions to help.
This doesn't come easily to everyone. For some, giving help comes more naturally than receiving it. You may feel you should be able to cope alone and that asking for help is a sign of failure. This simply isn't true. It is very hard to do everything alone. Most carers benefit from some help. People might not offer help because you appear to be coping so well alone. However, this doesn't mean that they don't want to help. Many people will be very happy to help if asked.
Getting some help may allow you as a carer to stay healthier, give more and allow the person you are caring for to worry less about how much you are doing for them. It can help to stop for a moment and put yourself in their situation - you would probably want them to get as much help as possible if they were caring for you.
Be prepared for some people to say no - even those you thought you could depend on. This can be very hurtful but may be because they have their own worries right now and don't feel able to commit to helping someone else. Or they may be afraid of how they will cope with seeing someone they know sick. So try not to take it too personally. Many people tell us that they often receive support from people they least expected it from and have been disappointed by the friends they thought they could count on.
If you would like to talk to someone about the support available, call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 and speak with a cancer nurse. You may be eligible for help with cleaning, shopping, meals on wheels and other kinds of support.
Many carers say that the hardest thing about caring is tiredness or fatigue - absolute exhaustion. There is no relief and you never feel able to completely rest and relax. Even when you are sleeping you may still feel your mind is working. You feel that you need to be alert all the time in case the person needs you. Recognising when you feel tired is important. Even if you only sit down for a few minutes every hour, it will help. Pushing yourself to the limit is likely to end up affecting your health.
Use the tips in this section, which may help to prevent exhaustion.
Put aside regular times each day (several five to 10-minute sessions and possibly one longer session) when you know you can do what you like. Just have a cuppa, read the paper or go outside and get the post. Organise other people to sit with the person you are caring for if necessary. Try not to feel guilty about doing this. You really do need the time to renew your mind, body and spirit. Don't use this time to pay bills, do shopping or clean - you need to get away from all your jobs.
Make a list of 10 things you love to do and plan a different activity each or every other day. Catch up with a friend or family member for lunch and a chat. Talk about things other than your caring role. Research has shown that having support from those close to you is extremely important to the carer as well as the person with cancer. Do something physical - take a walk or drive, swim, do a yoga class or some work in the shed. Use the time to relax in whatever way you most enjoy: watch a movie or sports, read a book or listen to music.
Discuss with the person you are caring for when might be the best time for you to do something for yourself. It may be when they nap in the afternoon, or when visitors are around to help.
As hard as it will be at times, try to really involve yourself in whatever activity you have chosen for your time out. If you keep thinking about what you could be doing to help the person you are caring for, your mind is not getting the rest it needs. You may need to look at putting some joy back into your life.
The following tips may not be possible in all situations but they could be helpful for some carers:
‘At 59 I became a fitness instructor as it had always interested me. I now go out in the morning at 5.30 am and am back by 9.30 am to help Max through his morning routine. I do a workout for myself as well as instructing others about their fitness and health. I love it.' - Jess, age 61
With the added stress of caring for someone with cancer you can easily become run down. It is very important to stay aware and listen to your body's needs. If you are someone who has past or present medical problems you need to be extra careful that you don't neglect what is needed to keep you well. Don't be tempted to ignore symptoms because you are afraid of what they might be and it may take you away from your caring role. You need to feel strong in both mind and body to carry out all the demands on you as a carer. This means:
If you are someone who has medical problems or cancer, you may need to get some extra support so that you can properly care for yourself. The person you are caring for also needs to be made aware that you must take time to attend to your own medical problems. If you don't, your health is going to suffer and you will not be able to help them.
‘I ignored my pain and other symptoms for quite a while because I was worried about who would look after Jen. Even when I got help and had to go into hospital for a short time I was still worrying about what will happen to her, will she eat well if I am not there and what if she falls. Caring never ends. I had to learn to think a little more about me.'
- Frank, age 62
Most close family and friends will want you to ask them for help and support. There may be times they just don't know how to best help you, so if you can guide them it will help a lot. The more help you have, the less stress you feel. It will allow you to focus on those tasks that you feel will support the person with cancer the most.
Not everyone feels comfortable looking for support from people they don't know. However, many carers find it a great help to talk with someone outside close friends and family. You may express feelings and thoughts that you don't feel able to with those so close to you.
There are several types of support available to both the person with cancer and their carer. Cancer Council Victoria offers telephone and Internet support groups and can help you find a local support group in your area. We also offer Family Cancer Connect, where you can speak to a trained volunteer who has been in a similar situation.
For more information, read the section titled 'Help and support ' or call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20.
Some days you may feel so upset, stressed, sad, angry or frustrated that you don't know how you will get through the next hour. Bad days will happen! And there may be a run of a few days or sometimes weeks when everything seems to be going wrong.
The person you are caring for may be suffering severe side effects from treatment and you feel you do not know what is going on. There may be more bad news about their diagnosis or they may feel very negative and low in mood, which rubs off on you. Problems within the family may crop up, adding to your stress. During times like this you are likely to become exhausted and anxious about everything. You may even feel unwell. You could be wondering if things will ever improve.
Even on days when nothing major goes wrong you may still feel very down. Looking after someone with cancer is difficult. It can often be very hard to find something positive in your life. However, many carers say by trying to look at things differently you can sometimes see a positive side. Finding positives can help you feel better and be more able to cope with the bad days.
Some carers say that they have days when they feel they are not appreciated and are being taken for granted. The person you are caring for may not realise that they are making you feel like this.
They may become used to you doing everything for them. Once they are more able, they may continue to let you tidy their mess, ensure medications are taken on time or organise social events. It is important to find out the person's self-care abilities during their illness. Ask your health care team for their input at your next appointment. These abilities can change daily, so it can be hard to know whether or how much to push! However, encourage them to do as much as possible for themselves.
If they are struggling with a task, let them know you are there to help. You want to create an environment where they feel safe and independent, but able to ask for help.
