Children are able to sense very quickly when something is wrong, even if they are not told. It is impossible to hide that someone in the family is ill. If you pretend that everything is fine when it obviously is not, they may feel confused, hurt and left out and often imagine things to be far worse than they are.
Children, especially when they are young, may feel they are somehow to blame for the illness. They may dwell on ‘terrible' things they have done or said that might have caused it. If you can discuss the cancer with them, you can reassure them that it is not their fault. If they understand what is happening, children usually cope well.
What and how much you should tell children will depend on how old they are and how much they can understand. Children do not usually want many details-a simple explanation about the cancer and its treatment, and maybe how your cancer will affect their day-to-day lives, will usually be enough.
A parent with cancer might want to tell the children directly. For instance:
‘I've been sick a lot lately, haven't l? I have a disease called cancer. The doctors are doing everything they can to make me well. I can't spend as much time with you as I want to. I won't be able to pick you up from school, but Granny will be there. It's going to be hard on all of us, but I still love you very much.'
If you prefer, a close and loving relative or friend might explain things. For instance:
‘Your daddy is sick. The doctors are almost sure they can make him well, but sometimes his treatments make him feel sad or grouchy. It's nothing you kids have done but he just needs you to love him.'
Give children the chance to ask about the cancer and express their feelings about it. People often want to shield their children from pain, but pain they understand is generally easier to cope with than the things they imagine.
For detailed information on talking with children about cancer, visit The Cancer Council NSW, When a parent has cancer http://www.cancercouncil.com.au/editorial.asp?pageid=275
See also our Links to useful sites about children and cancer.
Updated June 2007
